Captain Midnight decoder Image courtesy of Wikipedia’s Creative Commons

I’ve been thinking about a new job opportunity.  The need for positions like the one I have in mind is great, though I’m not certain those who could use it the most would admit they have a problem or that they would be willing to pay me to solve it.  I’d give the job a simple title, no need to create a euphemistic one, such as sanitary engineer for custodian, or give it a more prestigious-sounding name by adding “administrative” or “manager.” Just call it what it is: spam editor.

WordPress does a great job of sorting spam comments from real ones and collects them in one place for me to read and attempt to understand.  Here are some recent samples with my critiques:

1. I have computer software by witch a Flash is automatically created and no more
to work. Software produced by a witch is always suspect and who in their right mind would buy something that is “no more to work.”

2. The chances of a great actuality switzerland wristwatches actually are among the most popular finishing touches.  I just bought myself a watch at Fred Meyer.  Believe me, even brand X watches are expensive these days, so I’m not going to worry about the great “actuality” of buying one with “finishing touches.”

3.  Few authors are as tactful as you are in your blog post. Aside from superb clarity…” Flattering yes, but not going to help anyone market “titanium exhaust wraps” for automobiles, which is the professed business involved here.

4.  The other day, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it
can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation.  This anecdote was sponsored by an email address labeled “to help you get pregnant.”  The writer’s knowledge of biology is very limited. Enough said.

5. Choosing some tips i wear for example about it have become the narrow side, the larger room used up underneath the sit.  I confess I would not be able to assist this writer.  His or her product line escapes me completely.

Not only are the comments I receive poorly written and a bit off track, considering what the sender is trying to sell, some require de-coding.  For example, take sjbwktklf rdkv sktqrcdgv jcmj jnwfwhkef pudu jbkrylcba rjbd pryjynfmv ixas jvbsyerad dync mruhdyhiy fgtm.  I imagine I’d have to invest in a “secret decoder ring,” a piece of spy jewelry first introduced to kids in the 1930’s, to make sense of this one. It’s hard to imagine how many headphones this ad is going to sell (links to a particular brand appear intermittently amidst twenty-five lines of text like that above), but there’s got to be a more direct way to entice customers to your product than requiring them to first invest in a ring. On the other hand, a variety of secret decoder rings are still available online for about $15 and these might be a good investment for a beginning spam editor.