I love what is known, quaintly, as “customer service.” I’m old enough to vaguely remember that at one time it involved dialing a company’s phone number, and being greeted by someone who wanted to help by answering your question or concern.

Customer service is different now. Here’s how I know.

I owe three cents for accidentally underpaying my August cell phone bill on-line. First, the company sent notification of this debt via text, and then followed it by mailing a paper copy of the bill.

My first thoughts were: Couldn’t this payment wait till next month, when it could be attached to a larger bill? Followed by, Do they really expect me to write a check or use a credit card for three pennies?

Then I started to think about what would happen under normal circumstances if I didn’t make at least a partial payment of a bill. I’d be paying more interest. In this situation, would I owe twice as much next month, say, six cents instead of three?

I asked the question of my search engine, where I received the startling answer. By not paying my bill, my service could be blocked and my phone shut off.

Would my credit score drop too?

I had to get these answers, so I called the customer service number on my bill. An AI bot answered and gave me choices of buttons to push, “Press one if you want to know whether you paid your last bill.” Not helpful. I know I missed my payment by three cents. “Press two if you want to buy a new, outrageously expensive phone with much higher monthly service fees, three if you want to purchase an insurance policy for a phone or anything else, four if you wish to apply for a loan, five if you’re not yet discouraged, and six to be disconnected.”

Not liking any of the choices I said, “speak to a human.” That led the AI bot-in-charge to repeat the list of options it had just shared. 

I’ve been told that saying “operator” in situations like this would get me to a human, but, so far, I’d heard no evidence that humans worked for this company. Instead, I decided to garble my words and frustrate the AI bots as much as they were frustrating me.

Success.

“Would you like to speak to a live agent?” the AI bot asked.

So that was the secret. The agents didn’t have to be human, they just had to be live.

I had a hard time understanding the live agent, and she had trouble understanding me. Her English was shaky and my ability to speak whatever first language she spoke was shakier. Apparently, my situation was not one she’d faced before. It seemed that most callers expressed concern about the size of their bills and would have been delighted if only three cents were involved. Eventually we agreed (I think), that the three pennies would be added to my next bill. It only took an hour from beginning to end to resolve the issue and for me to get my three cents worth.

Next, I have to call a credit card company. I wonder if “live agent” will work with their bots. I think I’ll wait a few days to tackle that one.